the content of this VV is kinda weird, it’s a collective of random thoughts.
can’t be sure if it will make sense, but let’s see.
i am a guy… and i can’t help stereotyping myself.
i do believe guys think about sex almost all the time and i’m no different.
but somehow, just somehow, it’s never that with you.
when we confirmed the first Batu trip, i have images in my head then, but i never imagined us going all the way.
that was because of the first fuck up i did, hence i didn’t dare to think much and i refuse to.
leading up to Batu, there was so much attraction that when the first evening in Batu came, we were lusting over each other, so much that we rocked the building… and to this day, i really believe we did… much to the annoyance of the neighbours.
and to be honest, i’ve never had so much fun before.
there was so much attraction, so much energy, so much emotions…
and we talked about it just recently,
that back then if one of us failed to satisfy the other, will things get awkward… and would we end up avoiding each other.
instead, i felt we were perfect for each other in that sense, which is something i still cannot fathom…
people feel vulnerable to sleep naked, regardless alone or with someone else, but with you, it was so comfortable, it felt natural.
i have a peeve, that i get dressed after the “act”, but i didn’t with you.
i would usually be a little reserved after the act, but with you, i wasn’t.
when we woke the next morning, i couldn’t wait to get my hands on you again, and i wanted you all the time, over and over again.
and i love love the fact that you folded my shirt and boxers and placed it at the edge of the bed so neatly, so much that it tipped me over, i found so much warmth and love in that action.
i read so many time that true attraction for a partner is being able to find a balance to crave for the person’s body, mind and soul.
and i believed it so much.
i have been searching unknowingly for a person who could stimulate all three, but i found it to be impossible.
i gave up looking, and to me, this was a myth.
and guess what… it seems like i found it.
i go absolutely weak for you…
not just for your body, but for your mind and soul.
physical attraction to you is still very very strong, but i am so intrigued with your mind as well.
i care so much for your physical and mental wellbeing that i surprise myself, but i know i still do things that doesn’t help your mental wellbeing, but i can’t help it.
your soul is so simple to me, yet complicated.
i’ll see if i can put them into words, and please correct me if i’m wrong,
you yearn to be free,
to be free of complications,
free of society’s views,
free of judgemental eyes,
free of overvalued desires,
you need someone who constantly challenges you.
to challenge you to be brave,
to be better,
to love.
and you simply want to live your life the only way you know how,
to satisfy your craving to roam the world,
to seek adventure,
seek experiences, memories, emotions.
that’s what i feel you are. i could be wrong…
i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m confused about myself when i’m with you…
i have never thought that in my lifetime that a person whom i can connect to all three elements existed, i never experienced that, but i have now.
it’s been months since i touched you, feel you, have you…
and though it aches like hell when i think about it sometimes.
but when we meet, those thoughts seem to vanish.
your appearance makes every pain disappear and i can only remember good things with you.
i have no idea how to explain my feelings and emotions when you’re around, and more often than not, it doesn’t make sense, but i no longer care to understand, so long you’re around.
i feel frustrated that i can’t tell you my deepest emotions about you…
i feel helpless about it and i unknowingly become more reserved in my own mind…
but i know the moment i see you, nothing else matters.
i’ve been wondering why i become a little down sometimes with the thoughts of you….
i went through our history of messages, and i think i get it…
the mellowness you felt when i was in Japan…
the inability to convey thoughts properly…
feeling distant because we couldn’t share our emotions openly…
basically, i need to keep talking to you,
to know that you’re there,
to know you hear me,
to understand,
to feel your presence.
i used to fear what kind of person i might become if i can’t communicate with you, but not anymore.
i want to be around, i want you to be around, unless you don’t want me to.
i promise you this…
if you ever find me a burden, that you cannot cope with my existence any longer,
please tell me,
no matter what the reasons may be,
just let me know and i’ll fade away.
i won’t question, i won’t plea, i won’t cause a scene,
that’s my promise.
and i no longer know what i would do without you in my life,
you did not just come into my life,
you made a damn crater in my heart…
i don’t know why i VV’ed this much over such randomness, just felt i needed to share this with you.
you make the world seem more beautifully mysterious with just your presence, and nothing else matters…
“i want the world to know of us, but nothing about us”
vulnerable
we both know that we have our own walls that we build around ourselves to keep people away.
some may come and make a few scratches on the walls, but they will leave.
the moment you kissed me, your wall was beginning to crack,
the moment we caressed, your wall crumbling,
the moment you cried, your walls were demolished,
the moment you shared your deepest emotions, you no longer have walls with me…
i have a poker face with everyone, but you managed to peel that off, and i was scared, very scared.
you saw me cry,
you saw me crumble,
not many has seen that, those who did, i can count them with just one hand.
your LAX shift, i was happy you survived, also disappointed a but that you didn’t let me know you were safe immediately.
elated you called, but wondered why it wasn’t sooner.
but when you told me you’re safe, every worry, every question, every doubt, fades into the background.