Agony

July 1st,

12:00am,
she wanted to ask me to wanted to attend her wedding, but she resisted, she knew she couldn’t.
she said i am her special constant, she didn’t know why she said it, but she did.

we chatted a little more, she said she will delete our messages tomorrow,
i said no, i sent her a smiley, i was cracking,
she wanted to avoid it again, i didn’t,
i made her delete us, but i promised her i will fill her screen again, i cracked.
she deleted, we slept.

4:00am
she couldn’t sleep, she had a gazillion thoughts flashing through her mind,
she couldn’t even slow down her thoughts for her to catch one.

8:00am
morning arrived, i woke, i greeted her, did not expect any response anymore.
i felt i was hanging on to something that do not exist anymore, but i kept holding on.
left the house slightly before 9:00am and made my way to get cup of coffee.
i was scheduled for work, but i planned to see her, without her knowing, and as a true-blue stalker would, i brought a camera.
i know i should not, i know i cannot, but i did.

9:00am
dilemma whether to head to work or the church, i found myself driving towards the church.
i know i had planned to do it, but i didn’t know i would do it, i just found myself there, with a coffee in my hand.
i sat in the car, in a lot across the church, staring…
i felt embarrassed by my own actions,
i felt beaten,
i felt shame,
i felt obsolete,
i sat there, staring…

9:30am
she texted me, she sent me a picture of herself, i froze,
she looked so beautiful, i felt my breathing stopped.

i moved from buildings to buildings, trying to see if i can catch a glimpse of her,
i was a man on a mission, but every now and then, i stopped, i just stood there, wondering just what the hell was i doing…
but the thought of her appearing somewhere made me forget everything else.

the ceremony was over, i saw people leaving, i saw the gang, i hid.
a couple walked out of the premises and started towards my direction, i panicked.
they stared at me, i disappeared into the buildings…
“chicken shit, David, you chicken shit…”

movies make people have weird imaginations,
i saw myself entering the church as the vows were exchanged, and everything went mad.
i stopped myself from continuing those thoughts…

1:00pm
i drove to the lot across the street, i saw her man, i bit my lip.
memories of last night came back, i saw red…

1.30pm
she texted me a line that caught me off guard
“Are you around bull?”
i didn’t answer, made small talk.
then, i saw her.
the picture she sent didn’t do justice to her…
everyone says “She takes my breath away”, and i have always found flaw in that statement, but i understand now…
my breathing stopped, everything around froze, i just stared, with the camera in my hand, i just stared…

she looked like Christmas morning… i couldn’t look away, not once…

i stared and stared, smiling inwardly, her little movements, her little gestures.
i burst out laughing when i saw her crimp the door frame of the car to get into it.
i laughed again when she did it again to get out of the car again.
i felt absolutely happy seeing her, doing the little things she did,
the way her eyes take in everything,
the way she smiles at everyone,
the way she blinks,
the way her hips sway when she walks,
the way her lips part when she laughs,
the way her eyes disappear into two crescent moons when she laughs,
the way she laughs…
the way she laughs…

i was asking too many questions;
is she in the washroom,
has she eaten,
why isn’t she going to the second location.
she asked me why, i couldn’t respond.
she was replying me while she was seated in the car, i could clearly see that she pulled out her phone and begun typing away.

she came out of the car again to say goodbye to guests,
suddenly she stopped, she stared at my direction, really stared.
i panicked and slid back deep into my seat, she got distracted, waved goodbye to guests, and she stared again… she turned and walked back to the car and sat in it.

she was in the car for a while before it started moving off.

with her, i can never hold my tongue.
i replied “and yes… :)”
i sent her a picture of the view i had of her, of how i saw her standing beside the car.
She was confused, on how i could be there, but not be “there”.
i cannot be depressed or moody, it’s her grand day, who am i to fuck it up.
our following messages was all bright and chirpy, the way i would want it to be,
but she replied:
“Hey.. go away now.
My heart wrenched when you told me you were just there, within reach.”
i gave her my best, and made her go on her way,
my heart broke, but i knew it was for the better, for her.

her car drove away,
i sat in the car, staring into trail where she disappear past a curve,
i sat in the car, smiling, with a broken heart,
i sat in the car, on the verge of tears,
i sat in the car, lit a cigarette,
i sat in the car, placed my head on the wheel,
i tossed the cigarette without taking a puff and got out of the car,
i took a walk…

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anguished

June 30th,

never was a writer, except random ramblings…
never was a man who would log memories in words…

one more day, and she will no longer be single…
one more day, and she will no longer be available…
one more day, and she will no longer be mine…

no longer will i be able to voice my feelings,
no longer will i be able to share my emotions,
no longer…

these emotions will be buried, for as long as i can,
i fell in love, and i can’t stop falling…

Angered

June 28th

i cannot stand how much pain she has been going through…
i hate the fact that her man did not defend her…
i hate that fact that i cannot be there for her…

she was with “family”, yet she was bullied, threatened and accused,
her man stood by and watched as the abuse was done onto her by his family…
he just stood…

when she fled his home with tears blinding her vision, no help came…
when she was trembling with fear and unable to move, no love came…

yet, her man told her to come back, and face the abuse once again,
she begged not to return, and instead to be on her side, her man called her mother, begged her mother to bring her back to the house…

her man made her return, to be abused by his family, while he just stood…
her man have her apologise to the abuse by his family, while he just stood…
he just stood…